my soul wont recognize me after tonight
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Terrible idea I love it
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
