he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
