i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
