i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize