I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
