Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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