that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
