well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
