She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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