It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
