I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
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