I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
