Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
