I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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