Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
