apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
