i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
