apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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