sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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