Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
