The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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