I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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