by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize