i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
