I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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