There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
