He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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