It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
