Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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