I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
