Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
