Cold hands, warm shart.
Small penises have feelings too.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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