i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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