Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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