Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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