Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
