The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
