So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
