Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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