I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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