I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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