Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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