i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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