I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
