You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
