I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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