He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
