the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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