i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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