So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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