Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
