We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
