wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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