So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
