shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize